BELLE YAP | HER LAST JOURNEY

THE JOURNEY | Belle came into our family through my brother’s friend’s dog. She had 5 little puppies. We firstly wanted a male dark brown dog. Due to circumstances, we couldn’t have him. Then came Belle, female, white with brown patches. We took her into our family. She was probably less than one month old. I remember the day my siblings brought you home.

Honestly, I was terrified. I always have the fear for 4-legged animals. We had our first dog, Symphony but he didn’t last long in our family. Then came Belle. I remember clearly, when Belle was beginning to be active and curious, for the whole 3 months, my family had to do special arrangements. I would do everything upstairs including having my meals. On the 3rd month, my mom was tired of me and then on, each time I had to come down to either go school or to have a meal or to simply just get into the car, one of my siblings would have to take Belle out for a ‘walk’. I couldn’t remember how long that lasted, but that was the life I had when Belle first came.

Then one day, Belle was attacked by a tick that is eating up her heart. That was what I understood till today. I remember that day, somehow nobody was around except my sister and me. Belle was pale white around her lips. We had to bring her to see the doctor. When my sister says, “Ling, you hold her, I’ll drive”. Those words horrified me. How am I supposed to hold her when I have not even touch her ever? And the journey from our house to PJ states clinic was far. Probably 30 minutes ride, but sounds like forever. Yet, there wasn’t any choice. Either I let her die or I die. So I wrapped up myself (long sleeves, long pants, high socks, shoe), sat inside the car and allow my sister to put Belle on my lap. My sister assured me that Belle wouldn’t move much as she is very sick. Gosh, she was wrong! The journey to the clinic was indeed forever. The number of times she shakes and moves almost brought me to numerous heart attacks. Finally, when we reach the clinic, my sister took over and I stayed in the car. Why? Because there were many other BIGGER dogs around. Then my sister called me down. Each step I took feels like danger. Any time any dog suddenly let out loose will attack. You who loved animals reading this will never understand the ‘danger’ I felt. True enough, this huge Labrador black dog barked at me. I almost fell back, then another sharper louder bark came along, but this time, to the Labrador. Belle fiercely barked to protect me because she clearly sense that I was in danger. Let me remind you, she was sick, pale and weak. Yet she gave it all to ensure me that she is there to protect me even when I have never love her yet. After all her checkups and doctor decided that she needs to be in the hospital for treatment. So we made appointment for the next day. And now, I am back into the car, she was on my lap again. This round, for the very first time, I patted her. I TOUCHED her.

My parents and siblings sent her to the hospital for treatment. She was there for a long while. We visited her, and each time we left, we could hear her cry. Doctors were telling us that she refuses to eat. And when we visited her, then only she eats cat food. That was what I was told. I actually pray that she doesn’t turn to act like one. And finally, she is back home. Still a little weak, but definitely stronger. I was downstairs waiting for her. She walks into the house, frantically went to my brother and mother. Then when she noticed I was standing there, she brakes her speed like how a car suddenly had to brake for emergency stop. I just froze up. She just walks one circle around me and then sat in front of me waiting for me to pat her. That was what I was told that she wanted a pat from me. With standing distance, I lay my palm towards her head, she bows her head down (instead of other dogs, jumping to give a nose high5), she lies down and wait patiently for my palm to pat her. And I did it. I have OVERCOME her.

Next few months became easier as I no longer have the fear. I could have her running up and down without me freaking out. I could pat her and even taught her tricks. My favourite tricks was teaching her left- and right-hand handshakes. Can yours differentiate left and right? Mine can. Yes, mine. I began LOVING her.

As some years later, there happen to have a cat that came into the house. It was on attack-mode. No idea why it came in, but I was in the house. 4-legged cat. Fear creep in. I called Belle. Belle dash out not knowing what she was facing. Curiously, Belle didn’t bark at it. And then claws from the cat’s paws attacked Belle. I screamed, and Belle sense I felt ‘danger’ once more, barked so loud till our house doorbell rang. The cat attacked and Belle fiercely bite the cat down. And sorry, the cat died from struggle. Then along the years, came many cats, snakes, squirrels… and all died from struggle. It might sound like Belle is such a merciless dog, but she’s just doing what she senses. There’s ‘intruders’ in the house and she knows her family will be in danger. She PROTECTED us.

Then, I graduate and started working. I had a job then that requires me to travel a lot and work till late nights. Each time I arrive home, Belle was there wagging her tail so so hard that it will bruise you up if you happen to stand next to her wag. I remember those nights she waited for me to be home. And whenever I arrived, she would jump on me and lick me. (she does it to every one of us whenever we enter the door) I felt such warm and loving welcome.

One incident happened again, and Belle was sick and down. She had to stay in the hospital for weeks. And when she was back home, she seems older now. But her fiercely barking remains. When she was all well and up again, we played. She has this yellow rubber ducky that she loves so much. If we want to take it from her, she’ll growl at us. It was like her baby. Each time she happens to be accidentally let out loose outside, whenever we call her, she runs further. If we chase her, she runs even further. The only way to bring her home, rubber ducky squeaks. Immediately she will be back home, wanting to take her ducky like we have took her baby.

As she grows older, came along my first nephew. Her first encounter with him. She drops her ducky and went to him. We knew she loved him. He has taken over the ducky’s position in her heart. Then came my niece. She loved Belle but due to her sensitivity, we had to keep her away from Belle. Belle knew her condition and then on, Belle will just walk pass her with occasionally a quick lick if she happens to be toddling around Belle. Then came my second nephew. Gosh, he super loved Belle. He wasn’t afraid. He wasn’t sensitive. He almost to say, lovingly bullied Belle. Belle also lovingly allowed him to pull her tail, sit on her, lie on her and all sorts. They were like really really good friends. On days when Belle refuse to answer our calls or refuse to eat/drink, he would “command” her and Belle will just follow and do as he says. Such relationship BUILT.

This year, 2018, Belle became very sick. She fell and couldn’t walk. We took her to the doctor and only to find out that she was diagnosed with cancer – 4th stage. We did some testing and scanning, and the doctor say, “Spent time with her during this CNY. Let her do whatever she wants, eat whatever she wants. Spent time with her”. Our hearts sank. We never thought it would be that fast. We never thought it would be this year. There wasn’t any sign of suffering on her. She was still active. She may be old, but she’s active and barking too. But to hear those words from the vet doctor, it’s the hardest. It was then that I realized, we never actually had an entire family photo with her in it. So during CNY, I gathered everyone and we took our very first photo with her. It was beautiful. Belle is FAMILY.

When we took her back monthly for her check up with the cancer specialist, in March, doctor was surprise to see her and we did another scan. Her cancer has spread everywhere. But there was still no sign of leaving yet. We asked the doctor what will be the symptoms: she’ll be breathing with her mouth, couldn’t walk, refuse to eat/drink, coughing. Nope, no sign of those. In April, doctor was again surprised. Medical says her condition was bad and shouldn’t be alive already. But family support and prayers remain her alive. Doctor says it was a miracle and if this keep coming, she will live another 3 more months.

LIVING HER LAST DAYS | Middle April enters. Belle suddenly became very weak. She was slowing down. We all knew the day is getting closer. Last week, Belle shows fake signs of symptoms mentioned earlier. We called in for a house doctor to operate euthanasia on her. But we canceled it as us siblings decided that those signs weren’t exactly it. One week later, till today, Belle had a major reverse in her condition. She no longer could walk, no longer able to stand, refuse to eat and drink, overturns due to pain, breathing and panting heavily with her mouth, and every night, she’ll cries out in pain. We all knew it was time. Are we ready? We will never be but we had to let her go. Seeing her suffer like that made her living worthless. It hurts so much when I had to do the call to the doctor. It hurts more when I had to call for her burial. It hurts most when the day is TODAY.

For some strange reason, when the procedure begins, you didn’t struggle and you stood still, and brave. Perhaps it was your sense of pride – 15 years. A small size dog like you, always clean, always active, and always loud, you are proud of yourself. We are proud of you too. We said our last thank you to Belle, especially thanking her for being in our family. As the vet doctor led you away, you look at us as if to say, “Thank you for taking care of me.” I thought, “No… thank you for everything. Thank you for entering into my life. Half of my lifetime now was with you. 15 years being with you, calling out your name. I have no idea what will it be like tomorrow and days after, but I’m pretty sure every bit of me will miss you totally.”

THE HARDEST GOODBYE | One month ago, I found out that dogs don’t enter Heaven. They just disappear, back to dust. One week ago, a pastor of mine shared that Jesus came to bring new earth in Heaven, and in Heaven there is no limit of space. Therefore, the possibility for new growth can happen. Meaning, Belle might be in Heaven. There’s no internal/external evidence to this saying, but this gives me hope. I think the hardest part of losing a dog you learnt to love isn’t having to say goodbye… it’s the way my entire world changes without Belle and the emptiness that’s left in my heart when she goes now has become memories. I will remember you. Belle, I MISS YOU already.

IN LOVING MEMORY OF BELLE 

The most devoted and beloved family and companion for 15 years. Born November 5, 2003. Died April 29, 2018.  

There are men both good and wise who holds that in a future state. Creatures we have cherished here below shall give us joyous greeting when we pass the golden gate.       Oh! How earnestly I pray it may be so. Amen. 

 Loves, Your Family.